Saying No and Being Positive

People often feel bad when they say “No”. This behaviour is odd. When we were tiny, most of us took delight in saying it loudly, positively, and to suit our convenience. Just observe a small child in a supermarket who wants to be somewhere else. They are rarely quietly accepting. Even violence or the threat of violence will not completely suppress the protest.

This behaviour is so typical that I assume that the ability to say “No” without feeling bad about it is innate. We would not have survived as a species without individuals having this natural strength of will. If we are innately strong-willed, but as adults find it hard to say no, then something must have happened to diminish this ability.

What happened to us?

All children must conform to some extent to the society in which they are born. There is relentless pressure from the earliest age to “Be Good”. Being good means not disturbing the people around us, particularly our parents, and therefore, to some extent, giving up on ourselves. We had to be quiet when we wanted to be noisy and sleep when we wanted to learn.

Threats, violence or the withdrawal of love enforce “good” patterns of behaviour. Manipulation and bribery are common. We were dependent on our parents, so we eventually caved in to survive.

How does that affect the present?

If people coerce us into conforming enough, we come to believe that we cannot have what we want and that we do not deserve it. Thus, it becomes challenging to ask for what we need and difficult to prioritise this over the needs of others. We cannot say “No”. In extreme cases, this can lead to timidity, dependency, and masochism. Sometimes, people steel themselves to say “No” but then feel guilty about it. If you cannot say “No!” positively and cheerfully, it’s difficult to say “Yes” (for yourself) either.

This conformity can be disastrous in organisations, especially those with a dominant leader. Staff will “please” the leader by agreeing to things they think won’t work. They neither challenge ideas nor act with commitment.

What can we do about it?

It can be as rational to say “Yes” as to say “No”. Your answer depends on the circumstances. The goal of development work is to increase people’s flexibility, enabling them to make informed choices about their actions. Painful emotion holds rigid patterns of behaviour in place. Change takes place when you express your feelings to another person who listens intently. It also follows that when you do something positive that contradicts rigid behaviour.

How does this work in practice?

People are more able to try out difficult things when there is a lot of support and the activity is relatively light-hearted. Then they feel more relaxed. Let us suppose someone wants to say “No” to a last-minute request from the boss to work late and miss their daughter’s birthday tea. You would help the person explore their feelings about the situation and the feelings of the other people involved. Then, encourage them to say what they need forcefully. This activity will help them express feelings of anger, frustration, sadness, and fear. When someone says “I have decided that I will not work late on that day” in a confident tone of voice, they strengthen their will. Then ask him to decide what he will say to the boss in practice, and coach him through this.

Is this approach applicable to other issues as well?

Yes, it is. As young people, we had many abilities which would be valuable for us and our organisations to have now. These abilities have been weakened due to the blind and unthinking operation of our society. Supportive counselling and coaching can help us recover them.

The resources of childhood