Appreciation in Practice
The problem with appreciation
People are very concerned about getting appreciation. Most of us had very little as children and far too much criticism when we were young. So it is hard to give now what we did not have and have not learned how to give. Appreciation is like a smile; if you give it away, it comes back to you.
Some solutions
Just do it
I encourage you to make three appreciative comments a day for a week and not worry about whether you receive any. Your workplace or family will become brighter, and you may well get some back!
A good appreciation is genuine and believable. It can be light and still make someone’s day, increasing their energy and motivation.
Here are some examples.
“Thanks for that report. It was short, readable and elegantly presented”
“I appreciated your support and courage in the meeting. It would have been easier for you to agree with the majority.”
“I always enjoy talking to you. You listen well.”
“What a great idea!”
You can often catch people doing things right if you want to.
I remember telling my nine-year-old daughter that she could be anything she chose when she grew up. She responded so well and is now living her dream.
An appreciation exercise
I like to do this with a group at the end of a workshop or a long meeting when people have learned a bit about each other. Each person has a sheet of A4 paper and writes their name clearly at the bottom. You then pass the paper to your neighbour, who writes a word or words on top of the page that describes what they have most appreciated positively about the person whose name is on the bottom of the sheet. Each person folds the sheet of paper forwards to cover what they have written and passes it on to the next person, who writes their comments and does the same. Eventually, you get your piece of paper back.
Then, ask each person to note the comment they like the best. Then everyone stands up, in a close circle and reads out their favourite comment preceding it with “I am”, while everyone else listens attentively.
I always take part in this exercise and keep the comments. They are good to refer back to. I had a very dour manager called Tom on a counselling course once when we did a version of this. I met him a few months later to enquire how things were going. At the end of our chat, he said, “That exercise at the end really was useful. Whenever I feel really down, I pull out my sheet and realise that I am OK!”
Self-appreciation
Because of the invalidation and criticism most of us have experienced, we can carry internalised “tape recordings” that play all the time that say something like “You are no good/bad/useless/worthless” or “You are only valuable or loveable if you achieve/are clever/are rich/win”. These messages imply that we have no intrinsic worth just for being ourselves. Babies and young children appear to feel valuable and expect love for “being”. They have nothing to prove.
It is possible to reduce the impact of these tape recordings and even eliminate them entirely by appreciating yourself. Standing in a group and telling people everything you like about yourself is very counter-cultural, but it is possible. You don’t die of embarrassment, but it feels close! There is an excellent chapter in Harvey Jackins’s The Human Situation about this. The book is available via the Re-evaluation Counselling website.
Strength Building
This exercise uses appreciation and is very effective for building teams and relationships.
The participants are in a small face-to-face group. When time is short in a larger group, demonstrate the process with one person in front of the group. Then, break people into groups of four and five.
Each person has a turn of, say, 15 minutes.
- They describe an event in which they achieved something they felt good about. It does not have to be about work. Everyone else listens intently.
- Each group member tells the person above two or three strengths she must have used to achieve it. The person adds one or two of his own.
- The person states the one strength of all the ones she has heard that they like the best. If people are ready, they may “own” this by going around the group and saying to each person in turn, “I am (e.g.) resourceful!” A facilitator may encourage further growth by enabling them to use a clear and positive tone of voice and posture with no trace of self-deprecation.
After everyone has had a turn, ask people how they feel about themselves and the group and what they have learned.
The effects
People develop confidence and self-esteem as they discover that their achievements and skills are valuable. They appreciate the depths in other people and want to know more. The shared and rather intense experience builds group cohesion, and people enjoy it, too.